Diu Nei! And Losing Face

“While you're saving your face, you're losing your ass.” 

~~Lyndon B. Johnson

"Diu nei!” the cutest little old man I had ever seen said with a polite smile, gesturing at us from his speed boat as he rattled off a long list of Cantonese words that I could not understand. The only reason we caught “Diu nei!” was because the students’ reactions were enough to make us pause and try to interpret what he was saying. 

“Ohhhh!!!” the students shouted, their eyes growing wide and a shocked look on their faces as they looked at the four of us trying to communicate with this old fisherman. 

It was our last day of a five day program. We were at Bluff Island, an area known for emerald crisp water, red hued cliffs. A beautiful location in Hong Kong. Paradise to be exact. 

We were planning to hike the students up to the top of this saddle overlooking the South China Sea and then jump off the junk boats into the water for a fun swim. We had two junk boats since there were about 60 of us total. We were planning to do it all in rotations. One boat to the island while the other boat jumped and then vice versa. We wanted the fisherman to take his speed boat to the other junk boat since they were going to the island first. But this little old man that DF contracts out for transportation back and forth from the island to the big boat, seemed to have an agenda all his own. 

The view of emerald crisp water from atop Bluff Island

The cliff sides.

The cute little old fisherman. These photos were taken during training last fall, but it is the same man that we worked with last year.

Finally after much gesturing and with the aid of the students and our boat captain who also did not speak English, we were able to communicate what we needed and things were once again in order. Normally the students love to help us out if there is a language barrier. It’s an opportunity for many of them to speak their native language and to show off in front of their instructors. This time however, there was a bit of hesitation. 

“What did he say?” we asked, looking between the giggling twelve year old girls and the old man who was finally motoring away to the other boat.

“No, no, we can’t say it. It’s bad,” the girls said, shaking their heads. 

“Come on! What did he say?” we begged, now intrigued.

“He swore at you! We can’t say it!”

“Please! Just tell us, we won’t get you in trouble.”

“He said, ‘Fuck you! Why’d you tell me to come here in the first place?’”

Silence. 

The four of us in our red DF staff shirts stared at one another, dumbfounded. Really? That calm, smiling face had just swore at us? We tried to contain our grins but it was fruitless, they burst forth despite our best efforts.

“Well, uh…thanks,” one of my co-workers said. “Didn’t think that was gonna happen in Hong Kong.” 

I smiled as I watched the fisherman’s green speed boat motoring toward the junk boat loaded down with eager kids. “Huh,” I said to myself. “Did we just lose face or did we just make him lose face?” I asked myself. Was that why he was smiling thru the whole thing? I never once thought he was angry just from his facial expressions. He seemed so peaceful. 

What, might you ask, does “losing face” mean? Well, it’s a bit complex and I’m not quite sure if I understand it completely myself. It’s a phrase I’ve heard since living in Asia for the past two falls, but I had never experienced a “losing face” situation until now.

The concept of face doesn’t refer to someone’s actual face, instead, it’s an abstract or metaphoric notion. It represents the idea of social standing, a person’s reputation, dignity or honor. To make someone “lose face” lowers their standing in the eyes of others and saving or “building face” raises their self-worth in the eyes of others.

What we as westerners understand as “Face Building” is plastic surgery, but here in Asia it’s an ancient cultural concept, although it has a similar outcome as plastic surgery…in a way? The goal for both is to make something come out for the better. At least that’s how I see it. In Western culture, we tend to be blunt and straight to the point. Does the phrase, “stop beating around the bush and let’s get to the point,” ring a bell? Mm, yes, it’s one of my favorite go to phrases and philosophies on communication. I hate beating around the bush. This doesn’t really fly here in Asia. There is a lot of complimenting and building up a person’s dignity before getting to the point. Or “building face,” as they like to call it. Because of this, some things take quite a while before a decision is made. It has been teaching me patience. It’s not entirely a bad thing.

So, how do you save face? The number one rule is to not lose your cool in public. Shouting, and arguing are frowned upon. I can only assume that that was why this cute elderly Chinese gentleman was smiling politely even as he went up one side of us and down the other in Cantonese. He didn’t want to lose face by losing his cool. Or he was simply enjoying the fact that he knew we had absolutely no idea what he was saying. Probably the latter of the two. 

If you do lose your cool, this can contribute to “losing face” to one or both parties involved depending on the situation. If you have a valid reason for losing your temper, you don’t lose face. If you don’t have a valid reason, then you lose face. This is embarrassing to bystanders and therefore it is considered that those bystanders affected by the altercation have lost face as well as the person doing the arguing. 

I had no idea this concept was so complex until I asked a friend who has lived in Hong Kong her entire life to shed a little light on this. I asked her if she could explain the idea of “saving face,” to me. 

She said, “Well, it depends on the situation. What happened?”

I told her the story of the fisherman with the filthy sailor mouth. “So did he lose face because we made him lose his cool?” I asked.

“Not necessarily. If anything, you guys lost face because you were in the wrong and made him frustrated for a valid reason.”

“But isn’t it wrong to swear and lose your cool in public?”

She shrugged. “You can swear as long as there is a good reason for it. If you are being an idiot and in the wrong, then you deserve to have someone angry at you. They are not losing face by being angry at you if there is a good reason. The only way they would lose face is if they are making a scene of themselves and they are in the wrong. Then they lose face and they are making those near them lose face because they are party to it.”

“So we lost face then because we didn’t communicate to him clearly where we wanted him to go? So we were in the wrong?”

“Yeah, you lost face if you believe in the idea of face.”

When she said we lost face only if we believed in the idea of it, I found myself wondering if I did believe in this metaphor of face. I didn’t know if I did, but I found myself agreeing that maybe we had been in the wrong and the fisherman had the right to be angry at us.

We are visitors in this country, yet we demand so much from the locals who live here. It’s rare that we stop and think about the impact we are having on the lives they have been living before we arrived. I am quite familiar with Hong Kong at this point, but I am still very much a visitor in this country. I would like to be able to respect and honor their beliefs and social customs. So if saving face is one of them, then saving face I shall.