“In every journey comes a moment... one like no other. And in that moment, you must decide between who you are... and who you want to be.” ~~J.C. Marino
“What are your dreams?”
Hesitation and then finally the reluctant response, “Oh, my dreams are changing all the time,” is what I heard while slicing vegetables for the stir-fry I was throwing together.
This was the conversation going on in our outdoor kitchen last week as I prepared dinner. Two of my co-workers were sitting at the table eating their own supper, discussing dreams, personal ambitions…the mysteries of life.
It’s not an uncommon discussion to overhear when you live amongst outdoor educators. Granted, everyone has dreams and goals, but I have yet to meet an outdoor educator who isn’t a first class dreamer. Our life style frequently requires us to live in the here and now; but our heads are always in the clouds, thinking about life, distant travels, and goals.
We dream because we are eager for the growth experiences make. We teach about experiential education, goal setting, peak experiences…the ah-ha moment for our students in the outdoors. So, it would only make sense that we too want these opportunities for ourselves. We need those ah-ha moments just as much as our students do. Outdoor educators have to represent what we teach, otherwise we can’t deliver what we’re supposed to if we don’t exemplify it. So no wonder we are idealists, always talking about life dreams, adventures that change who we are as a person.
We survive in a world of short term contract work that sometimes leaves us on the edge of our seats wondering what’s next, always planning the next move, the next job. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. We feel accomplished when we’ve planned out a whole year in advance because normally it’s a big deal to just get six months sorted. An entire year of life planning makes us feel responsible, yet it’s terrifying all at the same time.
Why so?
Because many of us are a lot that shies away from the idea of commitment. A year somewhere can give a sense of "settling" and that in return, creates a sense of restriction. We are distracted by wanderlust and well…dreams. Dreams that can pull us in many directions, leaving us with the inability to commit to the simplest of things.
When I heard my co-worker’s reluctant response, I found myself smiling. Isn’t this what our dreams are supposed to do? To change, all the time. That’s life isn’t it? We head down one path and before we know it, that path has morphed into something entirely new and unexpected. We accomplish one dream only to realize that maybe that wasn’t exactly what we wanted and in the process a new dream is born, taking us in a whole new direction.
This conversation struck me as a bit ironic because it was the day after my thirty-third birthday and with each year, comes some sort of clarity to life. Things had suddenly become startlingly clear. Yes, indeed, my dreams had changed, and I hadn’t even recognized it.
I’ve spent the last six months asking myself what’s next. And well, I have no damn idea. My dreams have changed, my path is out of focus at the moment and I’ve just been ambling down it with no real purpose.
Three years ago I had an inspiration. Something that has been the driving force behind many of my more recent decisions. In early April 2011, sitting in my car somewhere in the Yukon Territory, bundled in my sleeping bag to ward off the night chill, writing in my journal, I came up with the grand idea to promise to do something “epic” every year for the rest of my life. That’s right, something epic; something grandiose.
Yet, this year I’ve begun to realize that I don’t necessarily want this to rule my every decision. Yes, I would like to keep having grand adventures, but I also need to listen to my heart and my soul. My soul has never failed me before, but of late, I’ve forgotten how to listen to it. And I’ve realized in the past year, I have let things get away from me. My life has sped up to a point where it’s been difficult to slow it down.
I’ve lost touch with things that are important to me. Friends that were once close feel like strangers because our communications have grown distant and far and few between. My family are a distant memory sometimes. Hobbies that were once a key part of who I am as a person have taken a back seat while I wallow on through my working life. The direction and purpose in my work has become unclear and I haven’t taken the time to realize it. Instead, I’ve forged ahead, plowing a path that isn’t really where I want to be.
I feel my life has become selfish in a sense, driven by this need to outdo my own creations, this need to do something “epic” every year. I suddenly realized that I had lost track of what I really wanted to get out of this life goal of mine. The whole point of doing something “epic” every year of my life was to keep learning and growing. To challenge myself as a person. It certainly started out that way, but it’s morphed into a whole new beast. One that I do not like.
In December while I was traveling in Taiwan, I began to realize what was wrong. I was traveling just to say I’d been somewhere. I really had no purpose other than to get a stamp on my passport. I had lost sight of the journey. I was after bragging rights and that’s something I’ve never aspired for. It doesn’t interest me and it irritates me to hear it in fellow travelers. I wasn’t growing or learning because my heart wasn’t in it. I had chosen to go somewhere because it was easy and convenient to fly to Taiwan based on my current situation. That’s not why I do what I do, but I had overlooked that fact. I was just trying to get something “epic” in for 2013 to say I’d accomplished my life goal. As a result, I’d spent a year sacrificing things that were extremely important to me.
Well, the chance for life should be epic enough. We are so lucky to be on this planet. I can’t forget that, I can’t ever take it for granted.
These are the things I realized on my thirty-third birthday. A little heavy but I think it was a good reality check. I still don’t know where I’m headed next, but I know where I want to be. To be with purpose.
I don’t regret the choices I made in my 32nd year of life because it has brought the clarity I need to move forward. I want to keep with my goal of doing something “epic” every year of my life, but I don’t want it to consume me. I don’t want to forget about those that matter or the things that make me who I am. On that cold April day, while sitting in my car, when I came up with this life goal, I told myself that the idea of “epic” could be anything as long as it was epic to me.
That can be a cup of tea with my best friend or telling a story to her five year old son. It can be an afternoon sitting with my dad listening to stories of the old days when he was young and wild. Pouring over cook books to try some new recipe with my mom. It can be a walk along a rambling brook, the gentle gurgle of water like music to my ears. Signing a lease for an apartment and getting a cat.
A cat?
That sounds pretty epic right there.
 |
| Here's to number Thirty-Three |