Friday, September 12, 2014

The Sense of Me

**This is a reflective piece I had to write for one of my graduate classes...just felt like sharing it since it's been a while since I've posted anything.



“Find your place on the planet. Dig in, and take responsibility from there.”~~ Gary Snyder 

I’ve always found it difficult to talk or write about myself. In this case, I sat and looked at photos chronicling the years of my life, in an attempt to put words to who I am, because sometimes I’m not even sure. Photos depicting rolling hills of New York farmland, scenic vistas in remote landscapes across the west coast, floating ice fields while paddling in Alaska, wildlife ranging from bison along a highway in the Yukon Territory to komodo dragons in Indonesia. Shots of smiling people, near and dear to my heart. Photos displaying a world of limited color, restricted to a grey sky and the white, barren, frozen landscape of Antarctica. Photos of colorful temples as I sought enlightenment thorough out Southeast Asia. These were the images staring back at me; a collage of me.

I tried to imagine these snapshots through the lens of a stranger. What would they say just by looking at these photos? Perhaps they would be inspired to say: curious, adventurer, wanderlust, soulful, spiritual, strong, grateful, traveler, seeker…crazy? If I were to take these word blips and organize them into a sentence, it would look something like: I am a seeker drawn by curiosity to adventure and wanderlust, exploring a journey of spirituality and strength; who is grateful for the souls I have encountered on this crazy ride I call life. I guess that would describe me.

And where do I fit into the grand scheme of things? The natural environment is my world, untouched by the concrete jungle of civilization, if I had my way. I see the world as mysterious, capable of cushioning one minute, and destructing the next, a cycle that repeats itself. It’s been a privilege to live in the elements and see the subtle changes of the seasons as they move from one to the next. This immersion lets me know the world better. I am a visitor in the house of nature, rather than it being the other way around.

I believe my ontology of the world is interconnected with my epistemology of experiential education because by being in the elements: seeing, feeling, hearing the natural changes lets me learn. I need to touch things, see things, and do things in order to obtain knowledge. I need to break something down to the basics and build it back up to comprehend it. I think a lot of this stems from having grown up on a dairy farm where everything is experiential.

What is myself and my Self? It’s interesting to break it down this way. Myself, is the identity I reveal to the world. My Self is my inner me, the bit I keep just for me. They are alike and yet not alike. Both are quiet, reflective, and passionate. Myself protects my Self. I am not great at revealing this Self. There are only a few that have seen her. I value connections with people, but I struggle to develop deep connections with many people. Those I feel deep connections with are the few that know her, my Self. I’m not really sure when I was able to first recognize my Self, it might have been during or right after college. There was just a time where I suddenly saw this person staring at me in the mirror whom I didn’t recognize. I didn’t dislike this Self, but I was uncertain of her because of the aura of difference surrounding her; it took a while to get adjusted to this Self. It was kind of like trying on a new jacket for the first time, not sure of the fit, and then finally you realize that she’s your favorite jacket and suddenly you’re wearing her all the time.

I’ve thought a lot about the role the world plays in my life and how do I maintain these connections? I like to know how an experience is shaping the person I am. It’s something I search for in a journey. How is this going to change me? Because of this, I often find myself looking inward. If I feel content and excited, I know that I am being true to my Self. I am growing. If I feel disconnect, I look inward and ask myself what is it I’m really trying to get out of this? If it’s not going in the direction I want it to or need it to go, it’s time to have a talk with my Self and make that change. I’ve sometimes wondered if this was selfish, but I actually think it’s a result of being driven to want to change in ways to become better able to help others.

There’s a saying back home, “You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” I spent a few years trying to cut all roots tying me to my upbringing, convinced I should feel shame for having grown up on a dairy farm. This stems from having been stereotyped as a “dumb redneck” much of my adolescence. I was sure the further I got from my roots, the more I could shed, re-inventing myself so to speak. Needless to say, this backfired when I realized my roots were what made me me, and there was no escaping them. The simplicity of the country is an integral part of myself and my Self. Why escape it? Those tangled vines taught me good work ethic, humility, strength, respect, and an overall sense of place. Five years ago after I realized adventure education had become my career, I wondered where it all began. Why do I feel at peace and whole in nature? What has brought me this far? I traced it all back, and it sprouts from the womb of a dairy farm.

From examining the Intersecting Axes of Privilege, Domination, and Oppression diagram, I am categorized as an educated, young, white female who is an able-bodied heterosexual of the working class (Diller, A., Houston, B., Morgan, K.P., & Ayim, M., 1996). By default, this puts me in the category of privilege. This is a strange feeling. I see myself as a mongrel mutt of mixed breeding, claiming no real nationality, with nothing but life experiences and debt to my name. But that’s just it. I was given a choice and I chose this. These choices have shaped me, thus influencing my intersectionality. Should I feel guilty for my role in society? The word privilege seems at odds with what I view as a simplistic, holistic sense of place.

1 comment:

  1. Nice writing Franny!!!
    Keep up the Good!!!
    - Buddy

    ReplyDelete