Purpose

“The best things in life make you sweaty.” ~~Edgar Allan Poe

In a little over three months I will be thirty-three years old. I find myself a bit shocked by it when the number “33” flashes before my brain’s eye. Like a red strobe light, the numbers flash, a danger siren screeching its warning signal, “WEEEOOO! WEEEOOO! WEEEOOO!”

Damn, thirty-three in three months. I look around and feel a little disoriented. How did I get here? How did I become thirty-two…let alone nearly thirty-three? What am I doing with my life? 

I’m currently living abroad in Hong Kong teaching outdoor education to ex-pat students. I make about $1,500 U.S. a month. My living space consists of a little corner in a large room. One side of my corner is a cold white tiled wall, the other side is made up of glass windows overlooking the front of the flat. The space entails about a 3ft by 9ft dimension. Just large enough for a cot to fit in and space beneath for me to store my meager belongings. I’ve hung a tapestry across the windows to provide a little privacy after I realized that the neighbor enjoyed a bit of peeking tom on his nightly dog walks. 

There’s nothing like sitting in bed typing away on your lap top, your face illuminated by the screen, to look out the window and see your neighbor standing outside staring up at you. Since the hanging of the tapestry, I’ve made eye contact with my neighbor once and he’s quickly looked the other way. I think he got the message. I even put some thought into the design and color of the tapestry when I purchased it. I wanted to make sure the next time he looked up, he at least got something pretty to look at. 

Around the corner of my nest, is the rest of the room which also houses six other ladies. Seven of us on one floor. What privacy we get is provided by curtains hung over our bunks to shut out the rest of the world. I’ve been assigned a small locker space that I can shove my valuables in. My valuables consist of a crappy little laptop, my passport, a water purifier run on lithium batteries that cost $60 U.S dollars, a couple of dog eared travel beaten books, a lightweight one man tent designed by Big Agnes that is probably my most valued possession since I have spent more days living out of that tent than I have any other place, and a pair of climbing shoes that I’ve owned since 2005. 

It’s the little things that matter. 

In a way, the living situation here reminds me of a time when I lived in a one bedroom apartment with seven other adults in Tucson, AZ. 

I was working for a non-profit conservation corps leading a backcountry trail crew of young adults. We lived the twelve days on, two days off schedule for the duration of a four month contract. Twelve days in the backcountry, and two days back in civilization. I was one of about ten other Crew Leaders living this same life style. Since we were in town for about six days out of the month, and housing was not provided, seven of us decided to put a lease down on a one bedroom apartment. 

The apartment was unfurnished but that didn’t bother us. We each claimed a small bit of floor space and proceeded to live off of fast food or meals made with our camp pots over the stove top in the kitchen. We paid about $60-$70 a month in rent a person, and in turn, had a place to wash up and call home. 

We conveniently ignored the fact that we were blatantly breaking all health codes. I always wondered what our neighbors thought when the seven of us; dirty, smelly, hauling heavy backpacks staggered in after twelve days on the trail, only to disappear two days later. Either way, no one ever ratted on us and I proceeded to live in this style for the three winter seasons that I worked there. 

That was when I was in my mid-twenties. A time when in some ways, you could get away with something like that. But here I am, nearing my mid-thirties and my life style hasn’t really changed. The only difference being that I’m getting paid about $1,000 less than I did then.

Have I progressed or regressed? Shouldn’t my standard of living be a bit improved compared to six years ago? Isn’t that the goal here? This isn’t the first time I’ve berated myself with these questions. Phases like this usually occur a few times a year when I find myself questioning what the heck I’m doing with my life. And then I easily forget all about it when the next adventure materializes and I find myself on some amazing life altering experience. It’s been a constant cycle over the last decade. Adventure, reality, adventure…reality. 

And here I sit, doing exactly that, wondering, what am I doing with my life? Why did I come back to Hong Kong?

In June or July, whenever it was that I had to weigh the decision of working in Antarctica or back to Hong Kong, I made the decision based on the need for having a purpose in life. My drive in Antarctica would have been to continue to support science, not a bad resolution really. But the guarantee of a position was an unreliable one at best. I have a lot of debt to pay off and there was no 100% guarantee of making it down there until the last minute. I have always struggled with the spontaneity of things. I’ve never been good at taking chances. So I backed out. 

I reasoned that Hong Kong was to provide outdoor education to children in a place being consumed by materialism and escalators. To fight the urban jungle so to speak. But since I’ve been here, I feel like I’ve been beating my head against a brick wall. I felt this way a bit last year, but it’s more persistent this time around. I’ve found myself wondering, do I have a purpose here? Am I gaining any ground? What’s supposed to be outdoor education instead feels like glorified baby-sitting in the realm of outdoor recreation. There’s minimal education.

Yes, I’ve gotten my wish to be living somewhere international. To satisfy that selfish urge I’ve had since I got my first taste of cultural immersion two years ago. But I’m starting to realize that that isn’t enough for me. I want to continue to explore and see the world, but I need a purpose. To just go, isn’t enough right now. Why, I don’t know, but that’s what’s been going thru my head. 

For the first time since 2009, my summer is unplanned. I don’t know where I’m headed or what I will be doing. In a way, it’s terrifying and at the same time, exciting. I feel as if I am facing a lot of doors right now and it’s a test to see if I’ll open the right one. And I’m praying to God that I do chose right. Again, I’ve never been good at taking chances. They terrify me.

I feel I need a change in my life. The last time I felt like I had that, was Antarctica. I’ll admit, it was purely selfish, but it was what I needed to do at that point in my life. I’ve never been so sure of something before, so confident that it was the right thing.

Now, I’ve realized that whatever move I make next, it needs to have drive. I want to keep growing as a person, but more so, I want to help others. I’ve had two years to be selfish and just live for me. To re-build the bond I used to have with myself. To think of no one else. 

I think I’m ready for the outside world. Maybe turning thirty-three means I’m finally starting to grow up? I’ll let you know what I find when that time comes :).